


Choosing Your Fate

by Kitsune_Moonstar



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Pining Essek Thelyss, Shadowgast Week 2020, Shadowgast week, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:48:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24097597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitsune_Moonstar/pseuds/Kitsune_Moonstar
Summary: Essek doesn't advertise his fascination with soulmates and soulmarks.  His relationship with them was both fraught and complicated.  But that doesn't stop the fascination or the slight tendril of hope he can't manage to completely squash. Written for Shadowgast Week 2020.  Prompt: Soulmate AU.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 9
Kudos: 320
Collections: Shadowgast Week 2020





	Choosing Your Fate

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Critical Role or its characters. Written for Shadowgast Week 2020. Prompt: Soulmate AU.

It would probably surprise many people in the Dynasty to find out that Essek was something of an expert when it came to soulmates. It wasn't information that he tended to advertise about himself. Bad enough that some people were aware of his interest in studying the Beacons, especially after the consecution rite did not work on him, but this would be one more thing that might make people look askance at him.

Part of his fascination he knew stemmed from the fact that he would never know if he met his soulmate or not. Essek still didn't know how he felt about that. Part of him longed for the idea of someone who would be his match, who would compliment him and be on his side. And part of him was skeptical of the idea that there was such a thing. The point was moot though. It wasn't that Essek didn't have a soulmark. He did. He just didn't know what it looked like.

The Dynasty had developed something to block and break soulmarks and soulbonds. There were times when that was necessary. An abusive partner for example. They weren't used often, but they existed. It was pretty much a magical skin graft. If someone was already soulbonded, it would break the bond when applied, but if they weren't the patch would just cover the mark and block a bond from forming. It could be removed of course, though it required a Greater Restoration to do so.

Essek's mark had appeared before he had become Shadowhand or had a residence of his own. He'd been ill at the time, in and out of consciousness with a fever. The healer attending him had noticed the mark and told his mother. Whatever Deirta Thelyss had seen in it had bothered her enough that by the time that Essek had recovered, the patch was already in place, and her mother had informed him that hopefully he would be luckier in his next life.

It's not the first time that his mother has made a unilateral decision about his life. It won't be the last time. But it does prompt Essek into seriously researching soulmates. And it's fascinating what he finds. Unfortunately, most of what he has access to pertains to the Dyntasy's customs, but he finds other sources as well if not as many. But for all that the typical bard's tale portrays soulmates as simply as matching marks and happily ever after the truth is far more interesting.

Soulmates were not a fixed thing. Marks could change during your life if you haven't met your soulmate yet. Sometimes even when you're already bonded, both marks could change, still matching but different than their original shape. Soulmates weren't necessarily romantic. There were siblings with matching marks or even closes friends. Sometimes people had more than one match. He had found at least two accounts of triads with all three bearing the same mark. And at least in the Dynasty, soulmates could change from life to life. Some people had a different mark and a different soulmate each life. Some had the same soulmate but a different mark. And some, like Leylas and Quana Kryn, had the same soulmate and the same mark.

And a soulmate doesn't guarantee a perfect relationship. You don't just magically read one another's minds. It's more like the marks denote two people who had the proper chemistry to do well together whether it was a romantic or a platonic relationship. But like any relationship, it needed work. More than one soulmate tragedy had its roots in the assumption that being soulmates would make everything work out. Plus a soulmark could form at any time in your life. And just because it formed didn't mean it would be clear. Some people had blurry marks for years. There were even stories of people willing marks into existence with their devotion to one another.

Of course, all of that knowledge doesn't always make things easier. There are times when Essek still desperately longed for a soulmate of some sort. There are also times when he's glad he doesn't have to worry about it. The only one at risk from his bargain with the Cerberus Assembly is himself. That all changes when the Mighty Nein drop into his life. In more ways than one.

His new friends bring all sorts of complications with them, and all sorts of interesting information. The topic of soulmates comes up at least once or twice when he is with them, and Essek learns interesting things about what people think about soulmates outside of the Dynasty. He also learns a few things about his new friends. 

Jester, rather predictably, is in love with the idea of soulmates. She doesn't have a mark of her own though, and she's clearly read far too many soulmate romances. Beau is less sanguine about the idea. Like Essek she seems torn. She also has a rather blurry mark on one of her biceps that she does her best to ignore for the most part. Unsurprisingly, Caduceus is quite mellow about his mark, a flowering vine that seems to be clinging to a stone on his inner forearm. Fjord's is a blurry mess that he claims used to be clearer and is now starting to sharpen again. Caleb never spoke if his or even if he had one. Yasha like Jester has no mark. And Nott's, Veth's had not changed even when her body had. It still perfectly matched the crystal flask full of fire that Yeza had. And of course they ask about his own soulmark. Essek answers them truthfully, if evasively, that he has never seen a mark on his skin.

But the discussion turns to other things, and life got in the way of any further discussions of the subject as the Nein discover his secrets and offer him a second chance. But that friendship that had started feels tenuous and fragile now, and Essek isn't about to bring up any subject that could be delicate if he doesn't have to. Even if the Nein return from Travelercon with Jester sporting the beginnings of a mark on her collarbone and Fjord's looking more and more like something.

Besides, Essek has enough on his plate. After the peace negotiations and the Mighty Nein finding out about his past actions, he had made the decision to resign from being the Shadowhand. A leave of absence would have probably been easier to arrange and explain away, but he rather doubted that he would want to return to the position. It had never been one that he particularly aspired to, but at the time it had been easier to go along with his mother's ambitions for him than try and carve out a path of his own. Unfortunately, leaving his position was not as simple as Essek had hoped, and he had been mired in all sorts of bureaucratic details.

At least he has been able to accompany the Nein on a few of their smaller jaunts while he was still wrapping things up in Rosohna. And he thought that he might have been beginning to make progress in repairing the trust they had in him. With that and dealing with his resignation on his plate, the news that his little brother has found his soulmate and Essek is required to attend a formal event celebrating this catches him completely off guard. There's no way he can avoid it.

Half an hour into the event, dressed in his finery, Essek is very close to coming unglued. He is happy for his brother. Essek doesn't think that anyone should have their soulmate denied to them for any reason other than their own choice. And that was the problem. Essek was incandescently envious. He wanted at least the option of what Verin and Adryn had. His mother's promise of things working out in his next life was moot since the consecution ritual had not worked on Essek. This was to be his only life, and he didn't even have the option of knowing who his soulmate might be. And if maybe his hopes drifted towards a red haired wizard, that was something that Essek shoved into a box in the back of his mind and tried very hard not to even contemplate.

Because he would never know; no one in the Dynasty would remove his patch, not when an Umavi ordered it put there. And maybe he should stop drinking. He'd now had five glasses of yunfaalyu which was four more than he would usually drink. And for all that Essek resented everyone around him celebrating soulmates when he would never even know who his might be, he didn't want to ruin Verin's celebration. One of them should get to be happy.

So he did his best to make an unobtrusive exit. But the idea of going home to his empty towers seemed like a miserable idea, and Essek was feeling reckless and angry. Part of him was afraid he'd do something else that would lose him the Nein all over again. So maybe it wasn't that surprising that he found himself on the doorstep of the Xhorhaus.

"How do you feel about getting drunk right now?" he asked Beauregard when she opened the door.

Her eyebrows raised. "I think you're well on your way to that already."

Essek tilted his head to the side. "I've only had five glasses. I can probably drink another bottle of wine."

She shakes her head even as she drags him inside the house. The Nein do not give him more alcohol. He finds himself oddly disappointed by this. He is plied with water and food though, and Essek finds himself spilling everything to the Nein once again.

"I want Verin to be happy truly. I just want to be afforded the same opportunities."

"I'm just impressed he can still talk like that while completely sloshed," Veth muttered.

"I don't even know that I would want a romantic soulmate, not when I might be already falling in love with someone, but I want to be the one to choose." And he hadn't meant to let that slip out, but it seemed to a night for things like that. "And I'll never get to. No one will go against something an Umavi says is right. For all I know my mark has changed since. Marks change as people do. Whatever she saw when it first appeared could be long gone, but because Umavi's are supposed to be perfect and infallible so they couldn't have made a mistake."

Essek's not entirely sure what happened after that. He probably kept talking. He's been spectacularly drunk only once before in his life, and he hadn't had an audience for that. But at least if he knows that the Nein will never let him hear the end of it, Essek also knows that this is also probably the safest place for him to be. That doesn't mean he doesn't panic a little when he wakes in an unfamiliar bed with holes in his memory.

It takes him a few moments to realize the that this must be Caleb's bed. The books all around the room should have been a dead giveaway, but his head aches, and he's not exactly anywhere close to his best. Still, he attempted to tidy his appearance before venturing out to see if the Nein were up and about. If not maybe he could sneak home and spare himself the embarrassment. Not that he thought for a moment that the Nein were going to let him forget this, but at least he could face them feeling a little more put together.

Luck was not with him. The moment that he appears downstairs, Essek is handed a cup of tea and led to the kitchen table by a rather serious looking Caduceus Clay.

"I don't know how much you remember about last night," he said gently, "but I have a few questions."

Essek is not surprised. He curled his fingers around the cup in his hands and stared at his tea.

"I remember coming over. And I remember rattling on about soulmates and about my mark. And railing against the Dynasty's religious system. Beyond that, not too much." He met Caduceus' eyes. "I apologize if I caused offense."

Caduceus shook his head. "Nah. Though you are surprisingly knowledgeable about soulmarks and soulmates. Didn't really seem like something you'd be into."

He sighed. "After my mark was covered, I started researching them. If I couldn't know about my own mark, I wanted to know everything I could about soulmarks in general. At this point, it probably doesn't surprise you to know that knowledge tends to be a comfort to me."

"No. Do you still want to see your mark?"

Essek's breath caught in his throat. "Yes."

The front door slammed open prompting a wince from Essek. His head throbbed a little.

"We've got pastries for breakfast!" Jester's voice rang out.

Moments later Essek once again had a lapful of purring familiar. Essek automatically started petting the cat. Caleb appeared in a minute or two with a box of pastries. Essek took one when offered. Caleb and Caduceus seemed to have a wordless conversation before Caleb turned to Essek.

"How are you feeling this morning?"

"A little foolish I will admit. Thank you for your hospitality and for putting up with me last night. I apologize if I caused offense in anyway." He was pretty sure he hadn't admitted who he was falling in love with, and Caleb didn't seem to be treating him any differently.

"You seemed quite distressed," there was concern in Caleb's gentle tone.

"It is an old hurt," Essek admitted, "and one I didn't expect to feel so strongly last night as I did."

"Soulmarks seems to do that to people."

Caduceus cleared his throat, and they both turned their attention back to the cleric.

"Essek, if you want to see your soulmark, I am happy to remove the patch for you. My religion certainly doesn't believe your mother is infallible, and we're here for at least a few more days, so I don't have to worry about running out of spells."

His voice caught in his throat. This couldn't be real. He had to be dreaming. Caleb rest a hand on top of his.

"Please."

Caduceus nodded. "All right then. Are you ready? Do you know where your mark is?"

Essek nodded and reached for the collar of his tunic to pull it aside before he could let the idea of this scare him. His mark was on his shoulder, just wear he would be able to crane his head and see it if it hadn't been covered up. Beside him, Caleb stirred.

"Would you like me to leave?"

Essek shook his head. "Stay, please."

Caduceus rose and placed a hand over the blank skin. There was the soft murmur of spellcasting and a flash of warmth on his skin. Then Caduceus was removing his hand, and Essek felt a frisson of fear run down his spine. Bow that it was actually in his grasp, all of the things that could go wrong were now flooding his brain. He shook his head to clear it and looked. He would know whatever his mark revealed.

Lines of fiery gold stand out against his skin forming a cat's cradle holding a single pearl in the its middle. Essek stops breathing. He doesn't even dare hope. Because Essek knows how he would interpret that particular mark, but he's not sure enough to speak it. A gentle finger traced the pattern.

"I had wondered, but mine had changed before, and I didn't want to mention it, especially not when you never spoke of yours," Caleb's voice was soft, barely above a whisper. "I know why now, but I thought it was one sided."

Caduceus cleared his throat again. "Maybe you two would like to take this somewhere private? I have a feeling you two might not want to be interrupted."

Caleb nodded, taking Essek's hand and leading him back to the bedroom where he'd awakened. Caleb gestured for him to take a seat on the bed.

"I know that you have put a lot of thought into your soulmate and what actually meeting them might mean, and I know that you said you were already in love with someone. To have you as a soulmate in any capacity is--"

Essek cut him off with a finger pressed to Caleb's lips.

"When I said that I did not expect you all, it was very true. And since meeting you, I have tried so hard not to hope. It would be just like me to fall for someone who already had a soulmate. Plus then I realized that you deserved far better than I for a match given my past deeds. If you are my soulmate, I am more than content. And even if you were not, I think I would still love you. I fell before that was even a glimmer of a chance that you might be my soulmate. I will admit I had assumed that yours was yet another thing that the Empire had taken from you, and I--"

He was cut off by lips against his own. It was a brief kiss but enough to rob Essek of both his breath and his train of thought. But Caleb smiled at him as he pulled away.

"I'm glad it was you. And I think both of us have spent too long pining for us to dance around this any longer." He cupped Essek's face in his hands. "You do know that Jester is never going to let us live this down, liebling? And if you thought you could escape the Mighty Nein before, I'm afraid you're stuck with us for the rest of your life."

Essek smiled back and kissed his soulmate once again. "There's no place I'd rather be."


End file.
